I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
