Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Randomize
