We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
