My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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