is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
