Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
