those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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