I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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