At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
