This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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