she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
