Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
