I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
