I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
