Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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