you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
