Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
