So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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