my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
