I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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