Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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