Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
