Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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