hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
