fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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