my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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