Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
