You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
