There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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