I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
