oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
