dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He kissed a someone with a penis
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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