I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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