My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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