Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
