I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
