It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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