i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
