If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
