Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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