yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
