So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
