Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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