I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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