im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
