Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's blow job season.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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