Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
