Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
