They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
