why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
