I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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